If you find yourself missing an abusive ex, you're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you. Missing an abusive partner is one of the most confusing and shame-inducing experiences after leaving a toxic relationship. Understanding the psychology behind these feelings is crucial for your healing journey and recovery with tools like the Forget app.
The reality is that missing an abusive ex is not only normal but predictable based on how our brains respond to trauma and intermittent reinforcement. Research shows that survivors of abusive relationships often experience stronger attachment bonds than those in healthy relationships due to psychological mechanisms designed for survival.
Understanding Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where you develop strong emotional connections to someone who hurts you. It occurs when periods of abuse are followed by periods of kindness, creating a powerful addiction-like cycle in your brain.
How Trauma Bonds Form
Intermittent Reinforcement: The unpredictable cycle of abuse followed by affection creates one of the strongest psychological bonds known to science. Your brain becomes addicted to the relief and joy that comes after periods of pain.
Survival Mechanism: Your brain interprets the abuser's occasional kindness as life-saving, creating an intense gratitude and dependency that feels like love.
Isolation: Abusers systematically isolate you from support systems, making them your primary source of both pain and comfort.
Lowered Self-Worth: Constant criticism and gaslighting make you believe you deserve the treatment and that you're lucky when they're kind to you.
Why You Miss Them Despite the Abuse
1. Your Brain Chemistry Was Hijacked
Abusive relationships create neurochemical addiction patterns similar to drug dependency. When your abuser was kind, your brain released massive amounts of dopamine and oxytocin. Your brain now craves these chemicals and associates your abuser with their release.
2. The Good Times Feel Extra Special
Because relief from abuse feels so powerful, the positive moments in your relationship felt more intense than normal relationship highlights. Your brain remembers these peaks and craves that feeling again.
3. Cognitive Dissonance
Your mind struggles to reconcile caring for someone who hurt you. To reduce this mental discomfort, your brain minimizes the abuse and amplifies the good memories, making you miss what felt like love.
4. Fear of Being Alone
Abusers often convince you that no one else will love you or that you can't survive without them. This installed fear makes the familiar pain seem preferable to the unknown.
5. Identity Confusion
Long-term abuse erodes your sense of self. Without your abuser, you may feel lost and incomplete, not because you need them, but because you've forgotten who you are.
The Cycle of Missing Them
Understanding the pattern can help you recognize when you're in it:
Phase 1: Initial Relief - You feel free and empowered after leaving
Phase 2: Reality Sets In - Loneliness and practical challenges emerge
Phase 3: Idealization - You remember only good times and minimize abuse
Phase 4: Self-Doubt - You question if the abuse was "that bad"
Phase 5: Longing - You intensely miss them and consider returning
Phase 6: Shame - You feel weak for missing someone who hurt you
This cycle is normal and part of the healing process, not a sign of weakness.
Breaking Free from Missing Your Abusive Ex
1. Educate Yourself About Abuse Patterns
Understanding abuse tactics helps you see the relationship clearly:
- Learn about gaslighting, love-bombing, and manipulation
- Read about trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement
- Study the cycle of abuse to recognize patterns
- Connect with abuse recovery resources and communities
2. Create a Reality Check List
Write down specific abusive incidents when you're thinking clearly:
- Document their exact words during cruel moments
- List ways they controlled, isolated, or diminished you
- Record how you felt during the worst times
- Include observations from friends and family
Keep this list accessible for when you start missing them and idealizing the relationship.
3. No Contact is Crucial
No contact isn't just helpful – it's essential for breaking trauma bonds:
- Block all communication channels completely
- Avoid mutual friends who might share information
- Change routines to avoid encountering them
- Consider changing your number if necessary
Any contact, even negative, can reactivate the trauma bond and reset your healing progress[35].
4. Use the Forget App for Daily Support
The Forget breakup recovery app provides structured daily support specifically designed for breakup recovery, including tools helpful for leaving toxic relationships:
- Daily healing tasks to rebuild your identity
- Mood tracking to monitor your emotional patterns
- Meditation exercises to manage trauma responses
- Community support from others who understand
5. Rebuild Your Identity
Abuse erodes your sense of self. Actively work to rediscover who you are:
- List qualities you had before the relationship
- Reconnect with interests and hobbies you abandoned
- Spend time with supportive friends and family
- Try new activities to discover new aspects of yourself
- Work with a therapist specialized in abuse recovery
6. Address Your Trauma Responses
Trauma bonding often involves complex PTSD symptoms that need professional attention:
- Seek therapy from someone experienced with abuse
- Consider EMDR or other trauma-focused treatments
- Learn grounding techniques for emotional flashbacks
- Practice self-compassion when you have difficult days
7. Build New, Healthy Relationships
Gradually build connections with people who treat you well:
- Start with low-stakes friendships
- Notice how healthy people communicate and behave
- Practice setting boundaries in safe relationships
- Allow yourself to experience consistent kindness
Stages of Recovery from Missing an Abusive Ex
Stage 1: Self-Doubt and Confusion (Months 1-3)
You question your memories and whether the abuse was real. You miss them intensely and may feel like you made a mistake leaving.
Stage 2: Learning and Research (Months 3-6)
You begin educating yourself about abuse patterns and trauma bonding. Understanding helps reduce self-blame.
Stage 3: Clarity (Months 6-12)
You start seeing the relationship clearly and understanding that your feelings are trauma responses, not genuine love.
Stage 4: Breaking Free Emotionally (Months 12-18)
You begin feeling relief from the constant internal struggle. Missing them becomes less frequent and less intense.
Stage 5: Healing and Rebuilding (18+ Months)
You focus on rebuilding your life and identity. The trauma bond continues weakening as you create new, healthier patterns.
Stage 6: Growth and Wisdom (2+ Years)
You use your experience to help others and build healthier relationships. You rarely think of your abuser, and when you do, it's without emotional charge.
Red Flags That Keep You Missing Them
Be aware of thoughts that keep you stuck:
- "But they loved me in their own way"
- "I probably exaggerated how bad it was"
- "They're probably different with someone else"
- "At least they cared, even if they showed it badly"
- "I miss feeling needed and important"
These thoughts are trauma bond talking, not objective reality.
When to Seek Professional Help
Consider professional support if you:
- Can't stop contacting your abusive ex
- Experience panic attacks or severe anxiety
- Have thoughts of self-harm
- Can't function in daily life
- Keep returning to or wanting to return to your abuser
- Experience flashbacks or nightmares
Safety Planning
If you're considering returning to your abusive ex:
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (US)
- Reach out to local domestic violence resources
- Connect with trusted friends or family
- Review your reality check list
- Remember that abuse typically escalates over time
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to miss someone who hurt me?
Absolutely. Trauma bonding creates some of the strongest psychological attachments possible. Missing your abusive ex is a predictable trauma response, not a sign that you still love them or should return.
Does missing them mean I should go back?
No. Missing someone who abused you is your brain's trauma response, not an indicator of what's best for you. Abusive relationships typically escalate over time, and returning puts you at greater risk.
How long will I keep missing them?
Recovery from trauma bonding varies, but most people report significant improvement after 12-18 months of no contact and active healing work. Complete freedom from the trauma bond can take 2-5 years, but the intensity decreases steadily with proper support.
